i realized that when i xanga or blog or whatever...it's for other people to read...to update people on what's going on. So what about me? i remember getting blog or xanga at first so that when there's something on my mind...i can just say it u know...so from now on that's what it's going to be...me..inside and out. if you want to know what's going on...you can ask me.
lately i've been feeling empty...not like the lonely empty...more like the...unsatisified...then unfilling hunger of something more. it's like...no matter what good marks i get, or how many people i hang out with, or how many times i call people on the phone, or how many emails i get...they're just...temporal satisifaction. at the end of the day...there's a hole in my heart and soul that none can fill cept for God. I've been drifting a lot...acknowledging it...yet not doing anything about it. it sucks...really really sucks. and im not sure why. perhaps it's because i just don't want to fix it enough...or maybe im too lazy...or maybe i'm too busy...k that last one was a horrible excuse. God always gives us enough time. i believe that. I'm not really going anywhere spiritually. when people say im "hardcore christian" i hate it...because i can't live up to that. I read my devo..this morning...haven't done devos in a while....read the book freddy gave me...My Utmost for His Highest. and today's devo was about solitude with God. wow...it's been a while...since i let go of all my ideas, questions...and just sat in front of God...at His feet and listened. it said that God cannot possibly teach us until we let go of our questions...ideas...anything...and just sit there...in awe...in silence. When there's nothing left...when there's nothing that can satisfy us...when we are in the state of total depravity...He teaches. ha. no wonder i haven't been growing. i've been doing everything for myself...never felt like there was meaning to it...i study cuz I want to get a good mark...i make decisions without the concent of God. I've currently been reading the book Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado (good book)...basically talking about the story of David...and there was a point in time where none of his decisions had God in it...like apparently for chapters, God's name wasn't even mentioned. and in the end...his whole family suffered from it.
There's a sense of nothingness when nothing goes to God...sense of emptiness when none of your decisions are brought up to God. it's time to change that...in everything i do, bring it up into prayer...whether it be choosing university, doing things for retreat, even when going out or doing my work. and may i expect something...not just empty words...but may i expect an answer...because God ALWAYS gives one.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
-Mark 11:24
Saturday, January 13, 2007
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1 comment:
it's good to know you wanna shift your focus to the right Source. keep it up woman-sauce =)
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