wonderlanddddd :)

okay..so today i went to wonderland with eric, jane, natalie, candy, david, and arnold :) haha so much funn :) haha so nat came at like...8:15 this morning...helping me pick out my top for the day. Then she started playing with my monkey..and before we know it, jane came haha. and eric ended up picking us up at like...9:10...wow haha he was early..haha wut a liar..then he goes and takes a dump in my house! which smells like...aww man..apparently HORRIBLE haha according 2 my brother...=P haha so off we went to wonderland with our slow song CD =P haha man..loving eric's slow song CD :P haha so yea...with our three dollar coupon, we got an awesome parking spot and went in....mann the line to the security thing..we were talkin bout the WEIRDEST things..haha like..being pregnant and like...pecs...mannn soo weird...hahha and me and eric went to sledgehammer...haha i hit my head soo many times! cuz they were like..expected yet unexpected..haa cuz i was talking 2 eric too much ahhahhaa soo retarded..haha i hit my head soo many times! but yea...then we lined up for italian job and candee & david came and joined us :) haha so joaxx singing songs while waiting for the italian job ahha that ride is..fun...haha such an unexpected beginning haha but so fun :) haha then...nat & jane went to the fly and the rest of us went to the batt...haha then came..splashworks! woot woot! haha soo funn :) haha mannnn $5 for a locker is soo freaking expensive..haha but yes...we got one...fit all our valuable stuff there..and threw our bags on the grass somewhere in a pile..and went to go play :) haha mann..all the rides were soo fun..like..black hole and super soaker and lazy riverrrrr haha eric wouldn't let me and nat go! haha kept grabbing onto us!. and i got under the waterfall! all nat's fault haha but i guess we're even ;) but yea...and then we went out for lunch at like...3 ..mann soo hungry haha salad & baked potato at wendy's..darrnnn eric eats soo much! ahha oh so very much...lol...xactly $8. haha our parking receipt was like..burnt haha and the guy at the entrance gave us a new one..lolz.....mann crazy how hot the sun is. but yea...then we went on wild beast and dragon fire and is that it? wow that's so little rides! but we were soo tired from walking :( haha oh! we visited dexter at DQ :) haha thx for the discount dex haha but yea...he looks so serious when he's working..haha it's so funny :P haha but yes...basically we stayed there till like..6:30....ohhh we saw lianne twice and we saw..alton, edwin, kenny, trish, & heyman...haha wow hafnt seen them all summer..butyea..haha gonan see them all in a week again...haha mann school's starting..that's scary..and sad..
but yes
that was my day :P haha soo much fun! haha nat's fav ride today: the toilet HAHAHA kk..that's all for now...toodles~

slowly healing...
getting back to reality...


the three most important and hardest words to say:
I
am
sorry.

Koinonia cabby camp :)

wow...came back from camp yesterday..I would have blogged yesterday..but im lazy haha so this camp was just..simply amazing..spending time with the new cabby of 2005-2006 :) So I'm gonna list the highlights..or what i remember..of each day...haha to lazy to put everything in sentences

The car ride there:
- eric & I singing songs from backstreet boys to n'sync to all these slow songs he had...haha
- mel discovering the song "I believe I can fly" and singing it over and over again :P
- mel destroying eric's ipod haha reversing cover and taking it off...and she actually put it on herself..good job mel! haha

Monday (got there at camp)
- set up the tent...cleaned it and stuff...accidently made a stain of deet on jon's tent :P whoopsies
- haha me and liann found mich w/ a knife and begged for mercy =P haha so joax in the tent. haha had fun w/ liann and mich :) haha
- michael and eric decided to cook bananas...haha result: tasted the same..cept squish-ier
- silas and I tried scaring PJ...he ended up scaring us haha and silas like..jumped
- talking to mel in my tent :) haha soo joax haha ninja turtle memoriez
- roasted marshmellows :) so yummyyyy haha mike makes awesome marshmellows
- played the murder game :P haha so much fun
- going to the beach and finding a tree that looked like people with mike, clar & eric...woww soo freaking scaryy

Tuesday
- going to the beach early in the morning and just..stood there....felt nice
- doing devos at the beach and silas kinda kept me company
- finding rocks w/ eric and issy...because "they are free" lolz
- haha PJ, clar, & edwin throwing eric into the water because he threw sand down somebody's top...horrible kid! haha
- hehe me and mel burying our feet in the sand haha and mel kept destroying it! haha and my talking toe =P haha
- singing camp songs w/ Michael, Eric, Isabella, Mel haha soo joax
- mike and eric's fist of fury killing ladybugs..soo gross
- silas hitting me w/ a frisbee..TWICE on the head...:( lost tonza brain cells there
- taking awesome pix :)
- clarence, gilbert, & ivan building their fort troy...haha and having a "mud" fight w/ clarence..haha dirtied my pants! XP
- me and mel's handprints on the sand :) leaving our mark haha
- talking with mel at night and staying outside with the stars till 3 (couldn't stay all night..i was soo cold...i was like..getting seizures)

Wednesday
- hearing lai tao all morning....mann and gilford asking questions all morning haha (do you hate me?)
- sharing from Silas & PJ and finding the rocks on the beach :) soo pretty
- clarence finding a rock that looks like a butt XP
- sitting at the beach one last time before leaving
- talking to issy and eric in the car...
- sleeping on the way home and eating a bite of rolo mcflurry =P

haha this camp was just..so amazing...i don't remember the last tiem i relaxed liek this....i'll have pix up soon..or i do..but im waiting for eric's pix...the pix that I took with his camera :P haha

I can't take this anymore

I feel so...lost...so confused...so trapped...I feel like I'm dying inside. If only this big chunk of sadness would come out of my head, then I would be a happpy gurl again. Not gonna happen...sometimes...I wonder if i even knew what i was doing in the first place. Why did I go into it? Did i even know what I was doing? *sigh...I don't know...too many questions that I cant seem to answer and it scares the heck outta me. Yet I can't help but think this is my fault. That maybe...perhaps if i cared a little more, then maybe this wouldn't happen. Maybe then we wouldn't be so distant....there wouldn't be as many barriers between the two of us. i don't know...where does it lead the two of us now? I can't help but feel awkward when I talk to you....can't help but feel sad or depressed...*sigh...i guess it takes time. the question is..how long? How long does it take before I can figure out what I want...what God wants? How long is it going to take for me to heal my wounds? How long is it gonna take for me to feel true joy again? to be able to laugh and not feel bad? just...how long....

COFFEEHOUSE = AMAZING

wow...coffeehouse is over...haha it's OVER! and it was AWESOME! 100% awesomenesss :) seriously...we've worked our butts off for this night and every little bit of it was worth it! I mean...the whole room was just SOO filled with the Holy Spirit and with the amazing presence of God. This day altogether has just been amazing...period end of story. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Okay so I got to church at 11 this morning to do worship and we waited for like 1 hr for Dexter...then worship surprisingly ended quite early....it was like...1:00 when we ended. So we went out and walked to Tim Hortons and ate and i yelled at Darren a little because he bought an ice-cap. Soo joax at Tim Hortons. haha We made Michael buy a timbit...ONE timbit haha and it was 16 cent. haha soo joax..and Darren came up with the idea of next time, buying one timbit and cutting it into 6 haha soo joax. AND we found out Tim Hortons sells Jam and Peanut Butter Packets...2 for 25 cents LMAO! haha PB & J Sandwich =P haha Darren actually wanted me to go up and order two jam packets and ask for a spoon haha....we gotta try that sometime...but it was just soo funn chilling with the whole worship team =) awesome bonding hahaha and then we went back...and me, mel & darren went to go move tables..until we got tired and just sat there chilling for like..1hr....haha talking and laughing..and me and mel just being stoopid haha and we realized soo many things in the children's sunday school classroom...
a) whales don't fly (yes melody :P)
b) we found jason fok's arts and crafts or smoething on the wall =P
c) and i discovered there was a tree
d) and mel found a flower that loooked like her =P haha
just plain stopid things...and soo joax...it was just so cool chilling with them..and talking about stuff =) haha and darren hates children shows.
Then my mommy told me 2 go home :( ruined my fun haha but yea..went home, freshened up...washing my face and all..and i prayed....and i just realized how far God brought us through coffeehouse. it was AMAZING.

So i went back to church and I found mel and darren..and it was soo joax once again..seriously I lost my voice because I was laughing w/. the both of them all day long :P seriously. And I was creative and saw mel's RUINED (ahem darren) strawberry as a brown ninja turtle (and no im not racist ahha) but yea =) it was interesting haha mel's picture =P hahaha and then darren hid from coffeehouse =P but then i pulled him out so that he can suffer with me hahaha =P and finally..coffeehouse arrived after praying and going out w/ Jon to get food, it finally came..and i was FREAKING OUT...ppl were telling me to calm down but i was just FREAKING OUT...i wasl ike....ahhh and going crazy...but u know what? God worked...seriously! Jessie's message was just purely amazing =) Andrew's testimony was amazing =) God provides, and God works...
anyways..it's 12 like..30 im tired...i wanna sleep..i'll update more 2morrow =) toodles

wow...

wow....coffeehouse is in two days. this is..overwhelming, yet exciting, yet...scary? haha I don't know...just a whole bunch of emotions. But I guess...this anticipation as to how coffeehouse is going to turn out is kinda scary. For the past few days, I've been in the freaking out mode. Seriously I think I joined the "seriously freaking out about coffeehouse club" along..w/ like..mel & stuff...and it was just all so overwhelming and i was just soo worried. And then today....or just now...i read my friend's blog...and he was saying how even though coffeehouse has a lot of technical stuff to figure out...God's using us to bring His people back to Him. And I was just...like..wow...because I dont' know...I lost sight of that...a week ago I was the one telling people that it's gonna work out alright..and I lost sight of that reassurance that God is using us for His glory...and He will work according to His perfect plan.

=(

see my last post was oh so happy...and now the happy face turned upside down :( why? because I'm thinking again...about way too many things...jus....pondering...reminiscing...not knowing what to do...confused...feeling lonely...wanting...a hug? haha the one day i get to take a break from drama...i go and think and make myself upset...aww man...k well I guess i gotta pour it out before it jus kinda starts killing me.
What is worth it? What makes something for you worth it that you keep striving for it? Is something worth it if it's breaking you up and making you die inside? Could we possibly just create an illusion for ourselves to believe that some things are worth it because perhaps we're scared to let go or we just don't want to...because it makes up who we are or we've fought for it so much that we can't just give it up like that? So what do you do? What do you do when's something's affecting everything you do...yet you can't just let go? Do you jus sit there and be confused and i duno...

I'm currently...feeling...lonely? I don't know why...but I just kinda do...I don't know if it was because of yesterday....or I'm just regreting..not of things I've done..but what i didn't do? I've been smiling all week...and yet there's just been so many things clogged up inside of me whether it be coffeehouse or relationships ...I'm tired...i need rest..and i can't because these things....i'm not letting out...causing me to be ready to explode...*sigh....Why smile when you're not happy? I say I want to be transparent..but really how many people know me for me...and i hate it...because I'm so scared...maybe of what others think of me...or what not...I'm tired of bottling everything up...*sigh....I'm tired of inversing my priorities and getting screwed over.

Father God I cry out to you because it's time like these when I realize that I can't do it anymore...that I've relied on myself too much, making myself sick and weary. And Father I pray that You forgive me for not looking up to You for help, not relying on You. Father I surrender it all to you God, placing all my burdens and worries into your hands in prayer.

I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life.

starting fresh...

=)

Today is saturday...this week has just been pretty darn amazing...or at least the end of it, starting with thursday. I had..worship practice and I don't know what was wrong but we were just like...i don't know..screwing up? ahha but yea...I was like..thinking...why is this happening God..like..what's wrong..and I felt so discouraged..liek..*hai...w/e kinda thing..but then cell group just helped me through that so much! Garway & Silas was leading and it was just soo amazing. Garway was reading this story to us about how Satan's plan is to keep us busy so that we won't have time for God and what not..and i've read that story before...but i guess it really hit me because the first thing i thought of was myself...because I've either been complaining or just..freaking out about coffeehouse and VBC and stuff like that and I was just so overloaded with so many things and it really made me think...Did I give God my time this week? like..did i REALLY? wholeheartedly? *sigh...I've been so busy..and overstressed...and I just need to rest...rest in the arms of God and find peace and comfort in Him. I'm not saying that all my busyness is all Satan's fault because all these things are used to glorify God's name...but I mean..perhaps it's the fact that I overload myself...not what I am doing...but how much I'm doing...so yea...it really made me reflect and realize that I am drifting...that I've always been drifting since like..May...so yea...*sigh and to top off my day, Beverly called and told me she wanted to come to church, which totally made me SOO happy =) hearing one of my friends wanting to go to church puts a smile on my face =) but yea...so that was my thursday :) my amazinggg thursday.
Then Friday...drama practice :) soo joax haha w/ Michelle, Janice, & Eric. Drama practices are always fun..exhausting..but fun :) haha can't wait till coffeehouse! haha and had sports night for fellowship that night. Bev came and we talked and stuff...haven't talked to Bev in a while...so it was really nice :) And last but not least to top off the day, talked with Cheryl becuase I couldn't sleep last night and I guess I just needed someone to talk to :) that gurl is awesome! haha she like made me cry haha =P but yea...made me feel a lot better =) and so yea...the today..worship practice =) fun stuff...finished TWO SONGS! yea! go us! haha thx to darren's thinking all day yesterday =) haha but yea it was really cool =) i felt happy haha and yea...I was talking to Melody today and jsut realized we're both SOO stressed...*sigh..looks like im not the only one..and yea...=) that is my three days =) my three amazing God-given and blessed days...I am in SUCH a good mood =)

When I say..."I am a Christian"

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."

I'm whispering "I was lost,"

Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible

but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain,

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"

I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner

who received God's good grace, somehow.

- Maya Angelou

He Chose the Nails

So I was reading He Chose the Nails, and it's really amazing what it reminds me of how GREAT God is. Max Lucado was saying that all that was needed in order for us to be saved was his blood, but he did SOO much more. He gave us that crown of thorns, and the sponge soaked with blood, the mockery of the soldiers, and the nails and cross. This is all his big gift. It's like..a gift under a Christmas tree. I think we all remember when we were little and it was Christmas and we would frantically opening presents and have the biggest smiles across our faces. Imagine those magnificant gifts but instead of a tree, it's under a cross, and when you open them, instead of toys and brand new clothes, it's a crown of thorns and a sponge soaked with cheap wine. Max Lucado gives us the question of this:
Did we open all His presents? Did we really look at all the gifts He's given us? Really thought about the true significance and how much He gave us?

I mean He didn't have to do all that stuff, but he did, making us love Him soo much more.

God deserves all our praise, all of it

awesomenesssss

wowww so much fun today! i was out ALL day from 9am - 10pm haha but it was soo funn...okay let's start with yesterday..

Saturday:
I sat in my room for 2 hours doing nothing..which actually feels really good..and relaxing...just takes my mind off stuff...then i started cleaning my room and when i clean my room, i look through stuff..hence reminencing...so yea...haha then went to BBQ at my aunt's house. Me and my cousin got bored and so we went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith at STC :) haha sucha good movie!!!! go see it!

Sunday:
Man today..was sooo awesome...so went to church and Sunday school which was pretty cool haha ryan being stopid =P then..VBC meeting..which was pretty cool...oh reminds me....i gotta send the meeting minutes XP whoopiesss...anywaysssss went home to change....when we went to the gamee man i was soo hyped and ready for it! hahahaha cheering and alll that...in sucha good mood today =))) We lost our first game..but won our second game! yayyy go beloved! Devos was really good =) mann so joax laughing at jasmineee =P HAHA she was like..killing Grace from Zoocru haha soo vicious! hahahaha but yea good job Edwin :) woot woot! hahaha and then..man after game...me, eric, edwin, patrick, issy, & jon went out 2 eat soooo coollllll :) we bumped into guys from samaritan so we're like..whoaa look! haha and we all ate together...so all 11 of us haha so i met..Ben, Kenny, Alex, Byron, & Adrian haha soooo joax mann..soo funny haha cool guys =)) anyways yes yes =) awesome dayyy..but...

Darren dislocated his thumb, Nick got a big bruise on like...his stomach...hope you guys feel better soon! =)

Canada Dayyyy

today was SOO MUCH FUN! hahahaha i actually didn't expect to have that much fun hahaha. I went to JC Camp today with my parents for the day and I thought..wow..this is going to be boring...haha then i hung out with the venturers people...mann soo cool! hahaha I met Carmen, Portia, and Angus. haha When i heard his name, the first thing i thought of was...clarence HAHA =P anywayss had tonza fun today. HAHA Melody and her moon face =P hahhahaha it's all darren's fault! now everytime I loook at her...i notice it and i laugh *hai...so today.... we....First at the pool and getting darren all wet and soaked like crazyyy =P then we did...archeryyy =) cool stuff i could actually hit the board HAHA that's good enough for me. Then..mountain biking..that was sooo exhausting..all those hills...goodness haha mel had SOO much trouble cuz her bike was too small for her...lolz...and I got soo tired...I am soo out of shape..man gotta start exercising more often. Then..we..did high ropes! and I am soo prouda myself..I actually went on...and got HALFWAY ahhahahah go me! =P then...darren and his skill of climbing the vertical thingy...haha then portia beat him =P haha too bad man =P AND i went to the climbing wall =P didn't go all the way cuz my fingers started cramming >< which really sucked haha but it was fun nevertheless =) We ate dinner..then built the campfire =) i learned stuff today hahaha cool stuff =) but yea =) I ended up having fun and so yea haha darren's sucha bum! HE SLAPPED ME!!!!!!! XPPP poopoo faceee

haha anywayyyss

HAPPY CANADA DAY EVERYONE!

graduation

Grad was soo funny last nite =P haha mann i was so bored then all of a sudden ...i find..A PEN! in nat's bag..haha so i needed paper....and i found..TISSUE HAHA :P and the whole ebay tissue thingy started hahah soo joaxxx. We were like..let's sell it on Ebay and we wrote ALL over it! haha now natalie's gonna hang it on her wall =P i shall buy her a picture frame for that tissue =P HAHA soo joaxx then...rickson was soo funny hahaha man i love that kid haha and GO STICKING ISSUES! haha anywaysss yes yes fun stuff
then this morning...coffeehouse meeting was joax =P hahaha melody and darren and EMILY dude..crazinessss haha soo joax yup yup..then after..it's..SOFTBALL PRACTICE!!! haha not in the greatest of moods but meh..gonna make the best of it!

shoppinggggg

YES! i bought two tops today :) haha my hand smells like gap perfume and yes haha i got...a tank at garage and a jersey thingy at blue note haha i like it =P it's so...ilke..sucha guy..but i like it so w/e haha what else...oh yes :) it was just cool seeing tori and stuff haha david came along haha and yes....i feel kinda bad :( made eric drive me :( and he was like...rushing home or something..awww sorry :*( but yes...today worked out pretty well..it's raining like crazy right now...thunderstorm -_-" makes me scared and gloomy haha but yes okay..enuf of this...i should really like...clean my room haha =P my desk is soo messy cuz i gave up hahaha and tomorrow is GRADUATION! ewww i just heard from sylvia today at the mall that we hafta wear our uniform for grad...for the mass..like...ewwyyyyy xP and then...something nice for night..so yes =P kk well..that's it for now =) loving summer babyyyyy

here's the pic from todayyy :) the loserss :P the COOL losers hahahha

Batman

Batman Begins was a total disappointment...don't go see it...honestly...not even worth my $4.25 i paid =P haha anywayss yes yes it was fun though yesterday =) with candeee and davidd and owen and ericc and edwinnnnnnnn :) haha but yes..and then...softball...wow..i was in the mood at the beginning..and then..after moving so much..it was like...arghh* so blehhhh...but yea...haha i'm going SHOPPING TODAY!!! with TORI and CANDY and DAVID? hahaha :P it's okay...david's gurlie enuf haahhahhaha =P haha kk toodles for now :)

ouchersss

acK* i can't really type right now...*sigh..haha softball practice yesterday :) haha i got hurt :( haha stoopidest way too..the ball was bouncing towards me..i went to go catch it..and it bounces off my glove and hits my chin :( sucksss now i have this lil..thing on my chin >< *sigh..then i didn't catch properly...or i don't know what happened...my pinky started hurting..and so i stopped playing..then it starts swelling and hurting when i bend it >< and now...i woke up this morning..and it's blueeee like my WHOLE pinky is blueeee it's soo weird and grossss...but yes..haha accidents that come with sports haha but yes...i hope it gets better before the game on Sunday..or i don't think i can play..it's getting a bit better..*sigh...ah well..back to studyingg...science exam 2morrow..then i'm DONE =DD haha hahaha...
btw...i need summer coloured clothes! honestlyyyy lacking summer colorsss

:P

i want the backstreet boys CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

busynessss

yayy done eng exam..haha failed it..but @ least i'm done..anywayss argh* so confused..plans are all over the placee...i can't watch batman on friday because I need to babysit =( and i need to babysit practically like..everyday in the summer...hating thisss but yes...i'll see...anywayyssss this is my schedule for nowww..soo freaking bz =P

Friday - Baby sitting after exam then fellowship
Saturday - car wash and softball
Sunday - two softball games
Monday - going to see Batman
Tuesday - Might go to wonderland? have to talk to Candy
Wednesday - grad night
Thursday - eat lunch with Auntie and i'll figure something out to do
Friday - camp
Saturday - nothing
Sunday - VBC meeting

that's my whole week's schedule..i don't konw...I dont' want to go out everydayyyy....i'm never home! as u can seee...so yes....so much to doo i'm gonna 4get something =P

update

wow i hafn't updated since..like..forever haha anywaysss yes yes studying for exams and taking a break....15 minute break..i promised myself..anywaysss happy :) haha two exams :) hahaha tomorrow and friday :) eng and science haha not worried..this is the FIRST time i'm not stressed about exams..haha go me! anyways yes :) life is good...fun stuff today..last day of school..and wow...i'm going to be in gr 11 in two months..soo olddd HAHA i know i shouldn't be complaining! but honestly! haha :P make people like cyrus and jon fell olddd :P haha anywayss yes yes :) softball practice 2morrow :) loooking forward to THAT :) haha always looking forward to softball haha i suck @ it dough :( sadly haha anywayss yes yes..okay back to studying!
toodless~!

softball yesterdayyy =) totally funnn =D hahaha i suck..but it's soo funnnn hahaha i got hit by the ball THREE TIMES! all from my knee down >< hahaha ahh well..haha all worth it =) haha mann i was so happpy...I CAN CATCH hahahahahahha but yes =) tonza fun..crazy hot..but tonza fun...

anywayss =) science test is over..so..drama exam and comm tech cpt left..*sigh...better do good in drama..stressing..for the first time EVER in drama...DRAMA..honestly! *sigh..this is sad hahaha